Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003 Review

‘Remake’ has become a dirty word in cinematic circles in the last few years. And rightly so; remakes of classic horror films are uniformly uninspired, unsuspenseful, unscary and seem fixated on giving the killer a tragic backstory, which always boils down to the fact that they had a shitty childhood. The film makers seem to be mining The Jeremy Kyle Show more than the original films themselves. Halloween, Black Christmas (sorry, Xmas…*shudder*), even Jason Voorhees, already the owner of a tragic backstory, had his jazzed up in the remake of Friday the 13th.  Not escaping this irritating trend of “all the other kids pick on me. Boo hoo; I’ll just become a deranged killer in 20 years, that’ll show ‘em” is Leatherface in the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The 1974 Texas Chain Saw Massacre is often lauded as one of the best horror films ever made.  And rightly so, it is a grimy, jarring, visceral experience, which led it to be banned in various countries over the years (and yes, it did get caught up in the ‘Video Nasties’ panic of the early 1980s). I’ve ranted about censorship in horror and remakes before so in the interests of fairness, I am going to try and treat Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003 as its own film, and judge it on its own merits and failings. What if this was the first film called Texas Chainsaw Massacre featuring a character called Leatherface that existed? I can’t promise to not mention Texas Chain Saw Massacre 1974 at all, but I will give it a jolly good attempt. Spoilers to follow.

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It Took All Of My Willpower To Not Put A Picture Of The Original Film Poster As Well, As This One, It’s Simply Miles Better Than This One.

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Blood Gnome Review

Thanks to the success of the sublime Gremlins, the 1980s saw a mini rash of similar ‘evil little creature feature’ type films with Ghoulies and Critters (which I always thought was better than Gremlins rip-off tag it was saddled with, it’s a good, fun little film in its own right). Fast forward to 2004 (with a quick stop off at 1993’s Leprechaun) and we have Blood Gnome, in which the creatures featured are all caught up in the heady and kinky world of BDSM. If that angle has perked up your interest, prepare to be disappointed, as if this is an accurate representation of BDSM (And I don’t believe for one second that it is) it is singularly the most dull and unsexy way to spend one’s time I can imagine. Spoilers To Follow.

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Scared And Horny Yet? I Know I’m Not.

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The Graveyard Review

Remember when you were young and carefree? How you used to play pranks on your mates that would result in one of them dying in a cruel twist of fate and the rest of you would have to cover it up only to have it return, let’s say exactly one year later, to spectacularly bite you on the arse? Really, you haven’t? Then you have not lived my friend. Or, at least, you haven’t lived in the world inhabited by the idiot characters of horror films. Now you may be thinking that I am describing a film in the vein of I Know What You Did Last Summer, or maybe even I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, or perhaps even I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (Yes, there was a third one, I wasn’t even aware of this fact until a couple of weeks ago. It made me yearn for the endearing utter shiteness of Freddie Prinze Jnr. And that’s not a sentiment to be taken lightly). Well, sorry to disappoint you if you were hoping for a review on that opus of slasher cinema (and various pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a series of low cut tops), but today’s film is The Graveyard, a 2006 film that has no clue has to why the first IKWYDLS was even vaguely palatable, but attempts to rip it off wholesale anyway, with a liberal dash of Prom Night and Friday the 13th thrown in for good measure. Spoilers to follow.

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A Whole Three DVD Covers To Choose From. Oi, oi! You Lucky People!

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