And now we reach the last in our trifecta of pointless remakes of classic haunted house films. While all of these films were made despite being both unwanted and unneeded today’s film, The Haunting 1999, is very much a case of saving the worst ‘til last (as no warbling chanteuse ever sang). Far from merely being silly and unscary, but still vaguely entertaining, which is basically what House on Haunted Hill 1999 and Thir13en Ghosts boil down to, The Haunting 1999 is so soul destroyingly bad that it should come with a public health warning. It is so dreadful; it has not so much toppled Black Xmas from the top of my list of ‘Most Loathed Horror Remakes’, but forcibly dropkicked that film into second place. And now you’re all pepped up and feeling positive about this review, let’s down to business. Spoilers to Follow.
A) The House Wasn’t ‘Born’ Bad, It was Built By A Mentalist, and B) Was The Rest Of The Quote “…Terrified By How Fucking Awful They Are”?
My friends, we find ourselves at something of a crossroads. After last week’s spectacular Geoffrey Rush exploits I do wonder if I am ever going to be able to enjoy a film again that doesn’t feature the great man (Seriously, he’s now the background picture on my laptop). And since he doesn’t seem to grace the genre of horror that often I have decided this week to discuss a film I mentioned in that review which includes some of the same features of House On Haunted Hill 1999; Thir13ten Ghosts (Christ, I’m already angry that I’m such a pendant I will have to use the insufferable spelling of the name all the way through this review). As with House on Haunted Hill 1999, Thir13ten Ghosts is a remake of a William Castle film which has little resemblance to the original films on which they were based, and that they both (slightly surprisingly, but welcomingly) feature Oscar winning actors hamming it up amid the bad CGI, nonsensical plots and pretty young Hollywood darlings who are “so hot right now” (in the late 1999s). So, House On Haunted Hill 1999 already has two checks in its column; Geoffrey Rush and not having a stupid ridiculous fucking name, let us see how the rest of Thir13ten Ghosts (sigh) stacks up. Spoilers To Follow.
If I Had Lots Of Mini Matthew Lillards Imposed On My Face I’d Be Gutted As Well.
What would you do for 1 million dollars? (And don’t say it in a Doctor Evil voice; don’t think I can’t hear you at the back). Would you maybe be willing to spend a night in an abandoned asylum jam packed with severely pissed off ghosts and a big black blob of concentrated evil that looks like a Rorschach Test made of terrible CGI naked ladies in a ill thought out remake of a 1958 classic? You would? Well then welcome to the House on Haunted Hill my friend, enjoy your stay. Beware of folk making terrible decisions on an average of about 3 per 10 minutes, a man who spends most of the running time shouting at a house, about 4 different unsurprising plot twists and one single shining light of pure awesomeness. Spoilers to Follow.
Who’s Genius Idea Was It To Stick Geoffrey Rush At The Back Of The Poster?